Why I Might Die Young

The title assumes that I am young. I suggest you keep your comments to yourself.

If I were to die young, here are the most likely reasons why:

1. Artificial sweeteners. There is nothing in this world that is truly self-indulgent and truly consequence-free. If you want to taste sweet, you’re supposed to pay for it with calories. Yet some of us refuse. I suspect that someday the planet will be populated exclusively by men and by women who eat organic. They’ll shake their heads and talk about our foolishness, about how we wanted it all and wanted to look thin while having it. Every time I tear open one of those yellow packets or down a Diet Coke, I know the chances are high that it’ll be my undoing.

2. Hit by car. No, I don’t always look both ways when I’m crossing the street. And yes, I often wear my headphones while I walk, but the risk is worth it for my favorite songs.

3. Nutrition. I have the equivalent of one serving of vegetables per day. This cannot be good. The rest of my diet usually consists of bread and cheese products, as well as frozen bread and cheese products. I may die young, but it will have been a happy life.

4. Earthquake. Los Angeles is a scary place to live. Earthquakes are the dark underside to our non-stop blossoming trees and year-long sunshine. Let’s go back to item #1 and remember that anything truly self-indulgent cannot be truly consequence-free. The movie stars, the waiters who want to be movies stars, and little old me will have to pay for our endless blue skies. Everyone else has to shovel; it’s only fair.

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